Constantly seeking

So, my friend Mir's blog posting today was about making the choice to be happy. I've heard this kind of thing before, and it is true enough. Not necessarily for people who are facing an actual crisis in their lives--then the choice to be happy may really be elusive, and they can only hang on until better days come. For a large portion of us, the economy is really threatening our well-being. For those who are involuntarily unemployed, times are tough--I don't mean to minimize that.

But how about the other 80% of us?

For many of us, most of the time, life here in America is pretty good. Sure, the job, family, kids, TV season may not be perfect. But we have shelter, we have paychecks, healthy families, do not live in a war zone, and are not at risk of starving if our crops don't come in. It really can be a choice to be happy--these words are true.

They are not easy to follow, though. I am a seeker (no, not the quidditch type, you geeks!)–constantly striving to improve all aspects of my life. I wish my house was cleaner and better organized. My kids could be working harder at school, or participating in more horizon-expanding activities. I could do a better job at work (there is ALWAYS more work to do), or I could try for that next promotion. My marriage, like most, could use more couple time. I should write more poetry, finish that quilt, knit more socks for charity, learn new skills for work and life. I could figure out what Twitter is all about.

I blame/credit much of this outlook on my mother. She was never one to praise her children. I would overhear her brag to her friends on the phone about my report card or a scholarship--but never to me. A report card with all A's would get a somewhat dismissive, "That's nice", and nothing more. No rewards, no ice cream treat, not even a big hug and "Congratulations". The good grades were just expected.

All that hard work does pay off…things are pretty good here. I have a great job, with flexible hours and the ability to do much of my work from home. We own our house. Our family is healthy. We have close friends. I live a pretty darn good life.

So, why am I not happy all the time?

I'm not UNhappy, at least. But all this constant striving and seeking to improve, means I never take time to APPRECIATE. And happiness has to start there.

When I am in a funk, it helps when I take time to count my blessings every day. I don't do this all the time, but when I do, it makes me remember to be grateful for what I do have. More focus on what is good in life, and less on what could still be improved.

My husband also reminds me to take time and appreciate. We are opposites in our life approach. He is more hedonistic, less driven than I am. "Good enough" is more his motto, where mine is "Always room to improve". While we have worked through a lot of the early marital conflict between my drive/ambition, and his more sedate acceptance of things as they are, I believe we have been good for each other. My nagging/motivating has helped him accomplish more than he might have on his own. And he always encourages me to take a break, sit down, enjoy what we have right now. Because it's true--it really IS "good enough".

How's that for a Love Thursday of my own?

Major Themes

I keep thinking of posts and half-finishing them. There are a lot of major themes going on in life right now, and they are too big or too personal to blog about. To avoid complete radio silence, I will try just summing up the themes, and maybe I will find a way later to explain in more detail:

• Starting with the good news--work is going well. I don't plan to go into a lot of detail here, and while more money, better title would always be appreciated, I must confess that I am content at the moment. My boss is giving me the right balance of challenge; enough to keep me interested, but not so much that I feel overwhelmed. This is a great change of pace from prior years where stress or utter boredom were the choices. And in these economic times, I am grateful to be employed and satisfied--seems like a miracle, actually.
  
  
• The boys are challenging us these days. Between Barley's anger management, and Teddy's crossing into the challenging "Tween" years, DH and I have our hands very full. There are days where I wish I could just walk away from everything. It is just as well that work is going OK for me, as I can really only handle 1 crisis in my life at a time. And I am grateful that there are 2 of us to handle the boys, as they would surely grind us down one at a time until there is nothing left but dust and frustrated intentions.
  
  
• The marriage is doing all right. Not enough couple time, but that is typical in Silicon Valley. Certainly we've weathered some nasty storms, but the sea is calming and the hull of the ship is intact. We're making good time to reach a safe port.
  
  
• Health is good all around. Physical health, anyway. Mental health is being challenged by the boys' developmental stuff. Hopefully we'll survive this patch and raise boys into respectable men.
  
  
• Wealth...well, that's not doing too well. Not a surprise in this economy, but with DH only working part-time, and our house now worth less than our mortgage (and we put 30% down!), that makes paying that fat old mortgage that much more depressing each month. We'll keep our fingers crossed with the rest of the country that things have to get better in a few years.
  
  
• Happiness seems to come and go with my hormones. There was a day earlier this week when everything in life seemed grand, and I could think about my life and see only the blessings I have to be grateful for--and there are many! I'll list them here to remind myself when hormones swing the other direction again in 20 minutes: health, job, marriage, beautiful bright boys, home, neighborhood, the president I wanted, living in America, living in California, friends, a precious hour to myself. Then I can almost feel the tide of brain chemicals turn, and the undertow of depression creeps in. Suddenly my rose-colored glasses fog up, and all I can see is everything that is not the way I want it in my life. A rough day with the boys can bring this on in just a few snarky comments, or a sharp kick or punch from Barley. Seeking indeed...but what?

There are other minor themes going on as well, but they take a back seat to the major ones. No solutions here today, or bright funny comments to wrap up with. Just my life as it is, and the reasons why some days I have a harder time coming up with clever, amusing posts than others.

For the moment, seeking caffeine, sugar, or some good escapist literature.

Feeling better

I don't know what to credit with the turnaround in my mood. This past week I didn't blog much, because I was just too darn tired/grumpy.

Could have been delayed exhaustion from a really intense month of work/home life combined. Could have been hormonal. Could have been my immune system fighting off some cold or infection--there is certainly enough germ power coming home each day through our kids.

Anyway, I don't know whether it was the early nights of sleep last week, or the flow of brain chemicals correcting itself, or maybe the full body massage Saturday morning, but something has shifted and suddenly the world is a happy place again. Birds are singing, the sun is shining, all is right with the universe.

Thank goodness!

Post Party Depression

Maybe it's the fact that Barley is sick. He has a perisistent cough, but no fever. His energy is low--he only annoyed his brother once today. Any time either of my sons gets quiet and falls asleep on the couch, I get WORRIED. Bouncing off the walls and driving us crazy is their natural state, so too much quiet means something is wrong.

Maybe it's the normal letdown after 2 intensely stressful weeks of work, with high stakes presentations galore, a customer onsite, and also a party at our house yesterday. All that adrenalin pumping, the short nights of sleep, and laser-tight focus on the NEXT THING I HAVE TO DO, might be causing some natural letdown in my body, now that the pressure is off. If I'd paid more attention in college biochemistry, I could tell you what chemical is missing. But I didn't.

Maybe it is because some of the people we don't see very often, didn't make the party this time. And while it was lovely to see the people who did show up, we still missed some of our friends.

Maybe it is because hosting parties are always much more work than the guests ever realize. If you're lucky, they are blissfully unaware of exactly how much of a disaster area your home usually is. So they wouldn't know the herculean effort that is required to make the place habitable, and at the same time plan a dinner large enough to feed up to 25 people (including one picky eater aka Barley), even though only 13 have actually confirmed. Of course good manners means pretending that your home always looks this good, so complaining about the huge effort to clean and get ready for the party would totally blow that cover story.

Maybe it is because I clicked on a link in a Facebook email from a friend, and found out that some evil spam virus forwarded an email to everyone in my Facebook account with the same evil link. One old friend notified me privately (how embarrassing!), and another friend called me and then warned all my friends with a warning not to click the link (that was even more embarrassing, but necessary).

Most likely, it is my monthly hormones, and when I check the calendar, it does seem possible this is some kind of cyclical funk, and I probably shouldn't read too much into all this. Unfortunately, this does not explain DH's matching melancholy. Sigh. I think I'll go to bed early tonight.